Self Coaching for More Happiness

My articles have a theme of overcoming obstacles and being the best you can be. This one is one of the latter kind and is about living more fully on an everyday basis.

In ‘Are you limited by mental splits? Or do you see the world as it really is?’ I talked about what a person who is living at their best is like – a self-actualising person1, and gave you some key questions to ask yourself when challenges to your greatness arise. Now, I’ll talk about what they do – and give you some more key questions to ask yourself so you can make any moment much more rich and fulfilling.

Very simply put, a self-actualising person is someone who is truly happy, content and driven by a vision. They’re able to be fully present and fully engaged in every part of their lives; “…a self-actualised person is one who is able to step into the moment and fully engage with another person, thing or experience … then our mental move will see the person developing through various stages of life, stretching, getting feedback, learning, curiously exploring, loving, extending self, and experiencing more peak experiences.” 2

Imaging that! Imagine being fully present, engaged and in the moment, and feeling many little ‘mental-orgasms’ of joy, bliss and sheer wonder at life? Sound good?

Here’s the secret. We live our lives carrying around with us a load of unconscious stuff that affects every moment. In Neuro-Semantics we describe this with the Matrix Model3 and it’s a ‘matrix of internal frames of meanings’. It’s the unconscious things operating in the back of our mind. And we all have them, and they are driving all of us! If they’re that important, then what are they?

Well, just as we never leave home without your keys and wallet, we never do anything without certain unconscious frames of mind about;

  • Who we are (Self)Matrix model
  • Our sense of what we can / can’t do and, how to ‘do’ (Power)
  • Our sense of ‘when’ we are, and ‘when’ everything else is (Time)
  • That we are not alone (Others)
  • That there’s always a context in which we’re operating; work, family, team, culture, the world in general – the ‘where’ we are (World)

And we’re constantly making Meanings about all of these frames given our unconscious agendas (Intentions). The quality of those meanings and intentions determines the quality of our life.

So the question arises; what is the quality of the meanings about your Matrix? And the way to be more happy and engaged in life is to bring them to consciousness and give them wonderful meanings with the best intentions.

The Matrix Model3 is a wonderfully alive, easily applied, systemic model. It’s got a lot to it, but today I’ll give you a set of self-coaching questions that will awaken your matrix, and put you more in charge of any aspect of your life.

Matrix questions for being the best you:

  • What are the best meanings I can give to who I am? Am I unconditionally valuable? What are my highest and best intentions for me?
  • What are the best meanings I can give to what I can and can’t do? What are my highest and best intentions for doing what I do?
  • What are the best meanings I can give to time? Is it my friend or enemy? What are my highest and best intentions regarding time?
  • What are the best meanings I can give to other people? Are they good or bad? Is that useful? What are my highest and best intentions regarding others?
  • What are the best meanings I can give to my world(s)? How can I enrich them? What are my highest and best intentions regarding my places/contexts in the world?

Spend some moments reflecting on these questions at any time they’re appropriate. You’ll start to see how they systemically interact with each other. And that will let you know that you’ve entered your matrix. Now, you can be in control of your life.

But take heed! You may discover toxic meanings and outdated intentions about any aspect of your matrix. If these self-coaching questions alone only take you part way along your journey to self-actualisation, you might consider a coach to help you through. Trust me, when your matrix is good – life is awesome!


  • A ‘self-actualising person’. This term means someone who is being the absolute best version of themselves. The term comes from Abraham Maslow.
  • Book: Self-Actualization Psychology – L. Michael Hall, Ph.D. (pg. 213)
  • Book: The Matrix Model – L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

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